Even the most socially agile person can find themselves dumfounded by some of life’s more awkward situations. There is no obvious way to deal with a friend negging you or an in-law asking you rude questions.
It’s in these moments, though, that Harvard-trained etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho sees herself as a resource.
Ho is the founder of the finishing school Institute Sarita, host of the Netflix show “Mind Your Manners,” and author of an upcoming book, also called “Mind Your Manners.” She’s even given advice on The Drew Barrymore Show about how to break up fights at family gatherings and the right way to bring flowers to a party.
“I feel that part of etiquette is about putting people around you at ease,” she told CNBC Make It last year. “Instead of etiquette being a restricting convention, I see it as being an empowering tool.”
Here’s how Ho would handle six awkward scenarios that happen all too often.
1. When someone is rude to you
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a sassy remark, you can counter it with kindness and class with just one question.
“If a friend is rude to you in a social setting, I like to use a three-word answer: ‘Are you okay?'” she says.
Those three words can signal that even if you don’t take the comment personally, you didn’t really appreciate it.
“You are letting them know they cannot walk all over you, but you’re being nice at the same time,” she says.
Be sure to say it in a friendly tone, Ho says, like you are expressing concern for them.
If a friend is rude to you in a social setting, I like to use a three-word answer: “Are you okay?”
Sara Jane Ho
Etiquette Expert
2. Covering when you can’t remember someone’s name
“If you’ve met somebody multiple times but still cannot remember their name, you should never let on that you’ve forgotten their name,” Ho says.
To avoid a potentially awkward situation, tell the person you’d like to keep in touch.
“What I like to do is say, ‘I got a new phone recently, and all my contacts were wiped out. Can you put in your number again?'” she says.
Another option is enlisting the help of a friend.
“If you’re at a party, just introduce them to someone else,” says Ho. “That way, they’ll introduce themselves.”
3. Exiting an uncomfortable conversation
The best way to get out of a conversation with someone is to introduce them to somebody else, Ho says: “It’s so seamless they won’t even notice.”
She offers up the following script:
“Have you met my friend? You really have to meet her. She’s so impressive.”
Then, make your exit.
4. Getting out of lunch with co-workers
If there is a co-worker who consistently asks you to lunch and doesn’t take any hints that you don’t want to eat with them, your instinct might be to continue to make up excuses.
Instead, Ho suggests just saying “yes.”
“Say, ‘Oh, that’s a great idea. Can we get Tim and Alison as well?,'” she says. “And then once you organize it, cancel last minute, and let them go.”
Your colleague will interpret your inviting others as a sign that you did want to come to lunch, without you actually having to attend the meal.
Once you organize it, cancel last minute, and let them go.
Sara jane Ho
Etiquette Expert
5. Confronting a friend who never pays you back
“If you want to confront a friend who never pays you back, you can either send them friendly reminders via email or in person saying, ‘By the way, do you have the $100 that I lent you last week?'” she says.
If they continue to ignore your requests for months, it’s safe to say they aren’t planning to pay you back and you’ll have to eat the cost. And while you might have lost money, you hopefully gained some useful knowledge about this person going forward.
“My father always used to tell me two things. Firstly, ‘neither borrower nor a lender be,'” she says.
This, from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, means don’t put yourself in the position of loaning money to friends or borrowing money from them and indebting yourself to someone else.
“Secondly, only lend as much as you’re willing to lose,” she says. “If they really don’t want to pay you back, then you’ve kind of learned a lesson.”
6. Dealing with rude family members
How you respond to rude questions from your family depends on how close you are to them and how senior they are to you, Ho says.
“If it’s your siblings or cousins you grew up with, it’s fine to have a bit of a jab here and there,” she says.
With aunts or uncles, you should probably be more respectful. “I just sort of do a smile and look away or remove myself from their side,” she says.
If it’s your partner’s parents, let your spouse handle it. “If you want to piss off your in-laws, let your spouse do it, not you,” she says.
In the moment you should only be agreeable. And you can let your spouse do the “dirty work” of explaining to their parents why certain comments are inappropriate, Ho says.
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